The Husband Must Lead (Ephesians 5:22-24)

Ephesians 5:22–24 (ESV) — 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

These words present a challenge to the modern believer. Jesus, after all, was a champion of women, children, and the so-called lower class. He was born into the working class, taking his earthly father’s profession as a carpenter. He welcomed children, telling people to permit them to come to Him (Mark 10:14). And though he was no modern feminist — he did select twelve men for his apostolic group — his ministry team contained women and he broke the mold of his day by teaching them the word of God. Time and time again, Jesus worked hard for the poor, children, and women. And in every place Christianity has taken root, all three are better off than in places where it has not.

So does Paul contradict Jesus when he comes along in Ephesians 5-6, telling wives and children and slaves to submit and obey? No. He does not contradict his Lord at all, but he does not respond, as many do, by starting a new class war, generation war, or gender war.

He saw each person in the new humanity of the church covered by the blood and love of Christ, running towards the redeemed and fullest version of themselves. He did not think of men running from their standing in society, fleeing from the roles God gave to them. Nor was he oblivious to the fact that men have caused great pain to women and children and the working class. Instead, Paul saw Christian men running toward a redeemed version of their masculinity. He envisioned unity among the men and women of the church, but not their uniformity, because to be united in worth does not mean we become uniform in roles. The best versions of male and female, every generation, and every class should be found in the new humanity of the church. The gospel enables each group to find themselves.

Paul begins this section by telling wives to submit to their own husbands (not all men). In Christian marriage, the wife should respectfully submit to her husband.

My goal here is not to present a long and drawn out defense of biblical submission. I have done that work elsewhere, but the point I want to draw out today is that a Jesus Famous man takes his responsibility for leadership seriously.

I define marital submission this way: The wife makes a choice to place herself as an equal underneath another equal, her husband. She comes under his lead, like the church does for Christ, for the effectiveness of the marriage and family.

Paul cannot even fathom any tyranny or brutality here. He is about to describe the husband as one who lays down his life in sacrificial love for his bride. If a man uses Paul’s words to excuse brutality or abuse, Paul would not see him as Christian. What Paul sees is men on the mission of Jesus Christ, men who have allowed the gospel of Christ to penetrate their core. Since the church works best with Jesus as the head, the marriage and family also work best when the husband leads well.

Submission is not meant to be tyranny, which is why it points to a major responsibility of the husband. He must be a good leader. He must make it as easy as possible for his bride to follow his lead.

In my book, The No-Nonsense Biblical Man, I contrasted what it is like under a good man's leadership with a bad man's leadership:

The good husband holds his wife out as his standard of beauty and enjoys her and her alone sexually (Proverbs 5:15–20). He is a covenantal man who is not going to go back on his promise. When he said, “till death do us part,” he actually meant it. Like Job before him, this man makes a covenant with his own eyes, so he will not lust after other women or gaze at them on his computer screen (Job 31:1). He understands adultery begins in the heart, so he protects and guards his heart, making sure he pours his affection and attention out upon his wife. His wife feels incredibly free around him, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and sexually.

She grows under his care and love. She feels protected by him. She feels like he loves her and would do anything for her. When he makes a financial decision, she doesn’t blink, because she knows he will put her and the family first. She is thankful for the friends he has selected, because they are godly and encourage him in his walk with God and relationship with her. She is confident that if he were to slip into sin he would receive the rebukes of spiritual leadership in his life. She is happy because he isn’t an island, but an open book, allowing Christ-like men access into his life. She trusts this man.

The bad husband is cruel in all his ways. The pinnacle of his cruelty is that he strays from his home, like a bird that strays from its nest (Proverbs 27:8). He is intentionally always away from the house, working ridiculously long hours, at play with all of his hobbies, and out with his friends. Even when he is home, he really isn’t. He occupies himself with his iPhone or video games or the television. He basically lives like a single man. He cares not for oneness with his wife and doesn’t think twice about building an inner circle with her. His heart is not open to her. He is a closed door. He accumulates bad friends and has a bad temper. Alcohol and drugs are often his coping mechanism. He doesn’t lead well, doesn’t like church, and isn’t willing to submit to any spiritual authority. His eyes are constantly wandering, and pornography is a part of his regular routine. This man is destroying a life.

His wife wilts under his leadership. She prays daily for God to change her husband’s heart, but like Pharaoh before him, his heart will not budge and only gets worse. She knows she can’t talk to him about money, the kids, or her thoughts. It’s hard enough feeling secure as a woman in this day and age, but her marriage to him only makes her feel more insecure with her appearance. She often sits alone at church and feels she has to attend an all-female small group because there’s no chance he would ever attend one with her. She grows discouraged watching him spend their money on his pursuits and toys. She is so tired.

The Husband Must Love (Ephesians 5:25-31)

Ephesians 5:25 (ESV) — 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

How To Love Your Wife Like Jesus

That Paul does not have a brutal or tyrannical marriage relationship in mind when he exhorts the wife to submit to her husband becomes evident in this section. The church is not slavishly following Christ—because he is ever loving and gentle and kind. The husband is to be the same. This love is to flow from his life just as Christ’s blood flowed on the cross. He is not to love his wife with a flimsy or fleeting love, but a strong and sacrificial one. He is to remember to die for his bride.

Jesus laid down his life for his sheep (John 10:11, 15, 18). Willingly, He endured for us. Isaiah prophesied of the Christ, that He would be despised, rejected, full of sorrows and grief, stricken, and smitten by God. He would be afflicted, wounded, chastised, oppressed, cut off, and crushed for His bride (Isaiah 53). The modern Christian husband is to allow Christ’s willingness and love and sacrifice to be his model for loving his own bride. So Paul urged husbands to do that which was uncustomary in that era—to sacrificially love their wives.

How can a husband love sacrificially? The way Christ loves his church. So how does Jesus sacrificially love His church?

A Christian husband should leave his position of comfort for his bride. Jesus set aside the privileges of His divinity. Surely we can set aside the remote control. Jesus left His position of comfort, taking on manhood for us. There are times we must allow ourselves to become uncomfortable for our wives. Think of your finances, for instance. A man has different financial priorities than his bride. While you might be convinced that seventy-inch TV is a good investment, she might not. With our time and treasure and toys, we must realize part of being a husband is getting outside our comforts and into hers.

A Christian husband should incarnate for his bride. Jesus became flesh and dwelt among us. Christ incarnated for humanity. He became one of us so that He could become one with us. No husband can become a woman, but all husbands are to seek to live with their wives in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7). We are to seek to know and learn and comprehend what our wives are about. Get into what she is into. Listen. Through the years, learn about this person you are married to.

A Christian husband should be patient with his bride. Jesus loved a church that was not yet in existence. When he looked at Peter and James and John, He saw what they would become. He was not hung up on their imperfections, but their future glory. Perhaps a marriage or two would be strengthened by ceasing to focus on the flaw in your spouse. Instead, realize Christ is not done with them. Nor is He done with you. As you patiently love and serve one another, watch how Christ changes and transforms you, maturing you into the fuller version of who He’s designed you to be.

A Christian husband should spend time with his bride. Jesus spent vast amounts of time with His disciples. Believers have struggled with the counter-intuitive nature of His discipleship program ever since. We would like to accomplish what He accomplished in making disciples, but only if it can fit into a forty-five-minute class, once per week, for twelve weeks. But Jesus spent three years living with His disciples. That was His program. Lay down your life by spending time with your bride. Life can be hectic, busy, and tiresome, so work hard to protect times together, even when you are tired. Dates, trips, and end-of-the-day-conversations are good medicine for your marriage.

A Christian husband should die for his bride. Jesus was born to die. His birth in Bethlehem lowered Him, but it was not His lowest point. He would be despised and rejected, eventually dying. But not just any death, the humiliating death of the cross. Marriages are filled with life, and life is filled with pain. You are called to love your wife through the hardships of wayward children, infertility, mental illness, sins, and financial catastrophe. Stand for her. Give yourself to her. In the death is resurrection life.

All too quickly people say, “What the world needs is (you fill in the blank).” But could we not admit that the world needs men who will love a woman in this way? “O Lord, help us to emulate you. Pump your life and breath and heart into ours. Help us to sacrificially love, as you did for us, the wife you have given to us.”

Ephesians 5:26–27 (ESV) — 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

How To Beautify Your Wife

In speaking to husbands regarding the need for sacrificial love for their brides, Paul continued to hold out Jesus as their example. Jesus loves His church by sanctifying her, washing her with the water of the word, preparing her to be holy and without blemish. Jesus tirelessly works for His bride's beauty. His goal is simple: to “present the church to himself in splendor.” Jesus works hard to develop a radiant church.

The Christian husband is to have the same goal in mind when loving his wife. He is to work tirelessly for her radiance and beauty. She is a soul, a person in need of sanctification, perspective, and growth. She needs loving support to become all Christ has designed her to be. She is in pursuit of her best self; the husband is integral to that pursuit. He is to sacrificially love her by having a gameplan for her splendor. She beautified herself for him on the wedding day, but now the husband is to spend the marriage beautifying her.

A believing husband beautifies his bride through prayer. Jesus constantly prayed for, with, and about His disciples, and Christian husbands are to do the same today. We are to lovingly bring our wives to God in prayer, asking Him for wisdom and grace in how we treat them. Marriage is complex, so the husband is to go to God for help in those complexities, casting his burden upon the Lord. We are also to lovingly pray for our wives, interceding for them as they walk through life. They need God’s grace and strength, just as we do, so believing men are to life up their wives in prayer. But we are also to lovingly pray with our wives. Going to God together is wonderful for a marriage, for it reveals the issues of the heart. To pray with someone is to know someone. To pray with someone who is strong in Christ is one of the greatest ways to be challenged in your own walk.

A believing husband beautifies his bride through the word. Jesus washes us with His word, all the time speaking and teaching and communicating Scripture to His church. He gave the apostles, prophets, evangelists, and pastor-teachers for this work (Ephesians 4:11-12). He longs to get His word into our hearts. The Christian husband wishes to allow the word of God an increasing voice in his marriage. He leads his wife in talking about the sermons and books and Bible passages he has recently interacted with. He shares good books and resources with her. He leads her to a local congregation that values God’s Word. He submits Himself to the Word and shares it with his bride.

A believing husband beautifies his bride through his own walk. Jesus always obeyed His Father in heaven, seeking Him at all times. The Christian husband is in constant pursuit of God. His wife feels safe because of this pursuit. She knows God has space to correct the inevitable errors her husband will get himself into because he is a man walking with God. God has the opportunity to chasten her husband — in his prayer life, in his Bible reading, in his study, in his Christian friendships — so she is at ease. He models for her a growing man, a man who wants desperately to become more like Christ.

A believing husband beautifies his bride through his words. Jesus spoke life into His disciples and continues to speak life to us. His words of exhortation and encouragement have lifted up countless Christians through the millennia. The Christian husband does the same. He uses his words, not as a weapon, but as a tool. He speaks life and encouragement into his wife’s heart. He does not tear her down, but instead builds her up, with his voice. The Shulamite came into her marriage with Solomon as a bucket of insecurities, but Solomon healed her of that over the years with his words (Song of Solomon 1). The modern believing husband does the same because he has a plan for his wife’s radiance.

Develop A Vision For Marriage (Genesis 2:18)

Ephesians 5:28–33 (ESV) — 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Like Paul, I would like to conclude by going back to Genesis 2 to develop a vision for marriage.

In the most important endeavors of life, a vision is vital. Successful people often have a vision for life —they can see what they want to become —that drives them forward in their education and careers. It makes sense, then, that married couples should have a vision for marriage. Too much is at stake. Generations and communities are all affected by the health (or unhealthy) of marriages. This is especially true in Christian marriage because our marriages are meant to serve, at least in part, as a witness to God's grace to our larger communities. People should be drawn a little closer to Jesus through the quality of our marriages. Since the stakes are high, we need a vision.

The main question we should ask is this: "What is the biblical vision for marriage?" It is not enough to have a vision for marriage. Everyone has one. But what we want is a biblical, scripturally-sanctioned, God-ordained, Spirit-breathed, divinely-designed vision for marriage.

Jesus said the house built on his word would stand, but the house built without his word would crumble (see Matthew 7:24-27). We want marriages that stand the test of time, marriages built on the rock of Christ. So what is the biblical vision for marriage?

There are many beautiful passages on marriage throughout the Old and New Testaments, but I want to consider Genesis 2:18.

Genesis 2:18 (ESV)—18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

This verse appears on the sixth day of creation. After each day of creation recorded in Genesis 1, God saw what he had made and noted that it was good. But, here, God saw something that was not good in his sight. Man was alone. This was not good, so God determined to solve this problem by making a helper out of him who was fit for him. And the rest is history.

But this simple verse gives us three major pillars which help us shape our vision for marriage.

First, God is the originator ("Then the Lord God said").
Second, a lack of community for man is the problem ("It is not good that the man should be alone").
Third, the woman would help him, and we assume he would help her ("I will make him a helper fit for him").

Vision statement: A biblical, Christian marriage exists as a way to glorify God, form a deep community, and help the other person in that community.

We Want Our Marriage To Glorify God

A Christian marriage will seek to glorify God by cultivating an environment that encourages a love for God. He deserves our worship and is the only being worth centering our lives upon. Your spouse cannot handle the crushing weight of your worship, but you can build your life upon God.

Therefore, a good husband or wife will encourage their spouse to have a strong devotional life. Spending time with God is never a waste of time. Though we are all busy, you cannot afford to neglect your walk with God. And, in a good marriage, both the husband and wife will regularly spend time seeking him in his word and in prayer. The time spent with God makes the marriage work because it is an expression of the Lordship of Christ. God will correct, chasten, encourage, and guide us during moments we seek him.

Married couples should also cultivate their love for God by pursuing godly activity together. It amazes me how often I hear of Christian couples who talk each other out of being part of a local church, being in fellowship with other Christians, and into compromise. Instead, we must create an environment where the godliest activity is celebrated and esteemed. Things like church engagement, disciple-making, Bible study, outreach, service, or the spiritual disciplines should all be fostered within the marriage.

A healthy marriage will also exemplify devotion to God to one another. A wife should be able to observe her husband and see how he treats others with love and respect. He should look at her and see how she sacrifices and serves. They should be a constant encouragement in the direction of pursuing God and godliness.

A healthy marriage will love God by allowing him to shape their priorities and destinations together. His values will become their values. The church is the body of Christ, meaning we are meant to carry out the heart and mind of Christ in this broken world. So a marriage that loves God will be a source of hospitality, service, and generosity to this world. A godly marriage will become a beacon of light and truth to those in need.

And a healthy marriage will encourage sanctification. We come into our marriages as individual works in progress, testimonies of God's grace and mercy. Faithfully, the Spirit is shaping us daily into the image of Christ. And our marriages become a new instrument of God's sanctifying work in our lives; God will use your spouse to remake you and draw out Christ's nature from you. Your mate can help you become more like Jesus! But you must love and cherish this process. You must love sanctification —and you must hope your spouse helps you attain it! Talk about growth. Pursue a clean conscience together. Encourage each other to grow!

We Want Our Marriage To Form a Deep Community

With God as the foundation, a vision for marriage should include forming a deep community. God is triune. He has always, since before human time, been in perfect harmony with himself. The Father, Son, and Spirit have served and loved within the tri-unity of God forever.

So God instituted marriage as a way to bring a deep level of community to human interactions. People can form community without marriage, but marriage is meant to be the most intimate human-to-human community in existence. Your vision must have a vision for a deep community.

And since God made marriage for the deepest level of human community, a husband and wife should cultivate friendship together. No marriage can skip this step. In even the most romantic book in the Bible, a bride says of her husband, "This is my beloved and this is my friend" (Song of Solomon 5:16). A husband and wife are much more than friends, but they should maintain the strongest of friendships together.

This friend perspective is especially important when inevitable disappointments creep into a marriage. Sometimes you have to, by faith, declare that you like the other person. You have to remember what initially drew you to them. You have to claim them as your friend.

In one early season of our marriage, I became a particularly challenging person for Christina to enjoy. It came while our firstborn was only two and Christina had just given birth to our second daughter —and she was not a happy baby. With the challenges of motherhood and postpartum hormones upon her, I was going through changes of my own. In my professional life, I had recently been promoted into a higher position of leadership, one which required a massive amount of personal organization. After voraciously consuming many books and lectures on the subject, I began implementing a complex organizational system at work. But I also began bringing my newfound passion for structure to my home —a home that my wife was surviving day by day. I thought everything should have a place, and our projects and task lists should be thoroughly updated each day. She thought I should change a diaper. I was annoying.

On top of this, I had gotten quite overweight in those early years, and some friends had challenged me to a weight loss challenge. Being a competitive person, I was determined to win, and the weight began melting off. I was counting calories, getting into fitness for the first time as an adult, and feeling good. No woman feels her absolute best right after giving birth to her second child, so none of this was easy for Christina to enjoy about me.

Years later, she shared with me that she had to discipline herself in those days to like me. She even made a list of all the things that drew her to me in the first place and prayed it over on my most annoying days. She knew we had been friends and would be friends again one day, but in that season, she had to be friends by faith. I am so glad she did. I was clueless about much of my behavior, and years later, I was able to apologize for being so dense during such a difficult season of her life.

But beyond having a perspective that you appreciate your spouse, you must prioritize your friendship. You have to make time for each other. Too many marriages devolve into coworker mode. In marriages like these, everything is a project to accomplish. But marriages that are friends will engage each other as friends would. They make time to hang out, to converse, to catch up, to share what's going on in their lives, to laugh and cry, to enjoy each other.

For Christina and me, this has been a priority from the beginning. Someone told us, early on, to protect a regular date night. For us, this means a weekly time where we grab a (usually budget-conscious) bite to eat (or even coffee) and talk. We started this before we had children, which was important because ministry life can creep into all your free time if you aren't intentional about it. That's our life, but whatever calling God has put on your life, make sure you prioritize a friendship with your spouse.

Since God made marriage for the deepest human community, married couples should pursue sexual intimacy. As Paul said, "The husband should fulfill his wife's sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband's needs" (1 Corinthians 7:3).

It is unfortunate that the enemy of our souls has deceived so many of us about God's gift of sex. Our world has become convinced that sex inside marriage is a bore, while sexual encounters outside marriage are the most fulfilling. Though many believe this, the reality is another story. Many are chasing empty sexual experiences and are left unfulfilled, while many committed marriages experience deep, satisfying, multi-layered sexual fulfillment. Sex is a gift from God; this is an important tone to bring into marriage.

As a gift, it is meant to be a microcosm of the marriage. A good marriage relationship takes communication. Both husband and wife must regularly talk through their desires, expectations, needs, and goals. A good marriage relationship takes service. Both husband and wife must consider the needs of the other and find ways to bless them. A good marriage relationship takes sacrifice. Both husband and wife must lay down their preferences and wants to satisfy the other. And a good marriage relationship takes love. Both husband and wife must pour themselves out in Christ-like, sacrificial care for their spouse. Each of these elements —communication, service, sacrifice, and love —are good for the marriage. And each is good for the marriage bed.

If married, I encourage you to talk regularly about your sex life with your spouse. Outside the heat of the moment, open up about how you are feeling, what you enjoy, and how you see things. For many, these conversations are uncomfortable, but married couples need to be able to talk about everything. If you can talk about this, I guarantee you that talking through a budget will be easier. Don't let weeks and months and years tick by without getting on the same page with your spouse about your sex life by talking about it with them.

Part of the conversation around sex is to talk through past sins and current temptations. Stay current and help one another with your weaknesses. And talk through ways you have had your view of sex wrongly shaped and molded in your past.

Beyond talking about physical intimacy, be sure to protect physical intimacy. Carve out the time required and reserve the energy needed to connect in this way regularly. Talk through your expectations about frequency, and then stick with the plan. Communicate about when and where and how you enjoy your spouse. Serve each other in this way. And, of course, protect this part of your life from sin. Your spouse, and your spouse alone, should satisfy your sexual desires. Don't let anyone else or any images into your mind or heart.

I should also mention the need for tons of grace in this department of marriage. To be naked with someone else is as vulnerable as it gets. And the various stages and ages of life can be quite humbling. Awkwardness abounds when it comes to sex. So be gracious towards each other and, when needed, laugh it off.

We Want Our Marriage To Help the Other Person in That Community

Finally, a vision for marriage should then help the other person in that community. Eve was meant to help Adam. And Adam was surely meant to help Eve. Each had their role to play in aiding the other to live to their fullest, God-given potential and calling. And they had a mission from God to fill the earth and subdue it. Together, they could execute God's plan for their lives.

Christina and I do this by embracing our roles and being on a mission together. For this, a couple must get a vision. Through prayer, the study of Scripture, counsel, and the observation of married couples you admire, ask some important questions. Where do we want to go? And where are we currently going? What do we want life to look like at the end of this marriage?

Christina and I have tried to answer these questions by prioritizing the stuff God prioritizes. If I had to sum it up, I would say God wants us to have fruitful relationships. He wants us to have healthy relationships with each of our children (and any of their potential children). He wants us to store up for them, rather than us be emotionally and financially needy of their provision. He wants us to make disciples. He wants us to impact people for his kingdom. He wants us to mentor younger believers. He wants us to be hospitable and generous. He wants our home filled with life and love to the end of our days.

Much of God's vision for our lives flies in the face of the modern retirement culture. Toys and houses and self-indulgent isolation is the dream. No thanks. Don't get me wrong. I understand the appeal. But I know of no greater joy than being used by God in the life of others. And much of the retirement vision of life does not make that brand of life possible. So no thanks.

But, in thinking about the end of life, one must ask if they are already on that journey? We cannot expect to live seventy years focused on the self and then care about others at the end. It won't happen. We must instead reverse engineer our lives. What do we want to be like in the last third of life? Become those things in the first two-thirds of life.

To execute this mission, a husband and wife must help each other stay on track. Contentment is hard to maintain. Love is hard to stick with. Relationships are hard to pursue. So a husband and wife must continually encourage each other to this brand of life.

Christina and I regularly pause and reevaluate our lives. We try to be honest about our goals and priorities —not our stated goals and priorities, but the ones we are actually living out. Is there a gap between what we say we are about and what we are actually about? Do we need to refocus ourselves on any particular goal or vision for the future? What stage are we in now, and how do we need to adjust our vision?

As you talk about the mission in front of you, as you shape your vision for life, communicate about the roles each of you will need to play to get there. In a sense, marriage is a team. Discuss even the most minute responsibilities and make sure you are on the same page about them. Then get after it, fulfill your roles, and execute the vision God has given you.

May God's grace be upon you and your spouse (if married). Christ is for you, and your marriage is of utmost importance to him. Let him shape your vision for marriage —and then go get it! Thanks for reading.